Off meds and after math
Off meds and after math
So I did not get a renewal of my prescription for trazadone. Several factors played into this decision:
From the first day I noticed a muscle soreness that I’d never experienced before. I particularly felt it on the bottoms of my feet when I walked. This did not subside but got more pronounced as the month progressed. Last Friday night I went out walking for the first Friday art walk with jo, nancy and Sean. Nancy walks with two canes, I was wishing I had some - my knees and ankles were i so much pain I sat down any chance i got.
One of the forces that led to me taking these meds was a declaration, by Jo, that if I didn’t take some meds, I was ending us. Yet when I pushed back a few weeks ago saying that I wasn’t interested in continuing a relationship if she was going to continue to smoke, she resisted, and cited a doctor saying that if she quit because someo e was forcing her, it wasn’t going to work. Loans behold, it didn’t.
Jo was sparring for a fight all day yesterday, and unfortunately i was unsuccessful at avoiding one. She says that I was looking for a fight. He said she said, maybe they could make a movie about that. I ended up walking away to avoid engagement that would or could escalate to something neither of us want. She spent the night electronically harassing me and bringing others into the situation. First she called Diane to tell her all about how terrible I was being, then when I went to cool off she brought nancy into the situation. Now she tells me that my sister knows I am off my meds, so she is apparently bringing others in my world into the situation.
I spoke to my dad about what has been happening. He is ok with the idea of me coming up there for a time, in fact I am pretty sure he would like it.
The situation I am in is complicated. Am I depressed? Perhaps, but I am not convinced that it is a chemical imbalance. A picture making the rounds on Facebook says “if you are depressed you may just be surrounded by assholes”. I don’t believe that I am surrounded by assholes, but there is one particular that comes to mind.
A few weeks ago, I did some research about abusive relationships and bookmarked several sites as drafts on this blog. It has been pointed out by several of the great people around me that if the roles were reversed, it would be clear hat there was emotional abuse happening, but abuse in a couple where the man is the victim is relatively rare, or at least not reported as much because we are supposed to be able to take it. I will publish them now as it seems relevant.
Taking trazadone did make me sleepy after taking it, but sleeplessness was only part of the problem. It did not change the dynamic in which I am living. It is said that abuse is a dance, and that the abused party has their part to play. There are several in my life who don’t understand why I haven’t left sooner. I don’t think I can answer that quickly and succinctly, but I am running out of reasons and time to stay in what has become a rather sticky situation.
Thanks to my friends for their support.