Am I codependent?
Am I codependent?
i talked to pastor suzy about what is happening. I said that it seems to me that i am surrounded by people who are talking something that sounds like English but it isnt making any sense to me. She said that I should look on the internet for things about codependence, and whether it seemed to be talking about me. I said what if i find out that OMG that’s me? she said that there should be things that say what to look at inside myself that might need to be changed. This is what I am doing now. i told Jo what i was doing. i found this article on Wikipedia about codependency. It seems that I am displaying some of the behaviors of codependency in the presence of a narcissist. I’ll detail the ways below. =========== while i was reading the wikipedia article, Jo sent me this link and said it was one of the best articles she knows on codependency How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages.
This says that the codependent behaviors when dealing with an alcoholic. I asked Jo if she was an alcoholic. The reason I asked is that last year, we went to a few AA meetings. She said in those meetings that she was an alcoholic, that she had been one for 20 years. She had also told me that she was sober for 20 years but started drinking again when she was with me. I have also heard things that put a lie to those assertions, such as describing times when she has sat down with her daughter Sara to drink a bottle of wine. So she has either lied about being an alcoholic, lied about drinking with Sara. I do not believe I have a drinking problem. I can leave alcohol without any problem. The other night, Jo got very upset with me when I would not have a drink with her. We have done a lot of drinking in the last year, and I would say that most of the time, it is Jo suggesting that it is “beer thirty”, sometimes early in the day. Before last week’s session with Suzy, we went to great lengths to find a place to have a couple beers. We ended up at the hotel at the west end of town, drinking two beers just before our session with Suzy, a session that did not go well and set the stage for much of the rancor that has continued since then. After reading the article she cited, I asked Jo if she was an alcoholic. She said that she is not an alcoholic but that she has been in relationships with alcoholics. I reminded her that she said that she was an alcoholic when we went to a few AA meetings last year. In AA meetings, people start whatever it is they say with “Hi, I’m Bob and I’m an alcoholic”. The first several times I spoke in those meetings, I said that I wasnt sure if I was an alcoholic, but eventually I started saying it that way. There’s a certain amount of resistance to get past to say those words, and to anyone whose word means anything whatsoever, it seems disingenuous to say that one is an alky without believing the words to be true, but eventually, whether it is peer pressure or what, it simply becomes easier to follow the local norms and start that way. She qualified her experience with that organization, saying that “she had spent time in AA rooms”. She made no such qualifications when we were at the AA meetings. Some kind of denial is happening here – either she is an alcoholic, or she finds it convenient to play one while in AA meetings. ======= Back to whether I am codependent or not. So far, I have learned that yes, I have been exhibiting the kinds of behaviors described in the wikipedia article which detail what a codependent person does in the presence of a narcissist. And while I understand that this examination is supposed to be about me and my behaviors, the need to have others be cared for are behaviors that Jo exhibits towards others. i decided to look for a test on codependency - these things are all over the place. I found this one at this siteI answered the 11 questions and this is what it came up with:
Your answers suggest that codependency may be a significant issue for you. People who struggle with this issue find it difficult to be in close relationships without significant self-sacrifice. They may feel that they can only be loved if they are needed by the other in a relationship. It is possible that this is so habitual, that they find it hard to even recognize that they have emotional needs of their own. They may find themselves in relationship with many people who ‘need them’. They may be swept up into these people’s worlds. Often this will mean getting deeply involved in others social, work and financial issues. In my office I often hear them lament, “their problems become my problems”. The cost to the codependent can be very high indeed. Because of the enormous toll of this relational pattern, codependents may struggle in a number of different areas in their life. Now may be a good time to try improving your self-care. Setting boundaries for yourself to limit how much you sacrifice in relationships will help. It is also important to remind yourself that you deserve love without excessive self-sacrifice. You may also choose to distance yourself from friends who are not able to return your investment of energy. Codependency can be a life-long struggle. If you find yourself stuck in these patterns, and your attempts to change do not work, you may want to seek out professional support. You may also want to try the depression, anxiety, and self-esteem quizzes listed on the right..
- Putting my needs down in an effort to please another (Jo)
- Neglecting my own interests