My three c's, and the obligatory futile gesture
My three c’s, and the obligatory futile gesture
I think I’ve mentioned the three C’s before here. I’m not gonna enumarate them explicitly, at least not all of them. Two of them are cigarettes and caffeine. All of them are very old friends of mine. Cigarettes I took up fairly late in life, the spring after I turned 40. Yes, this is a rather late time to be picking up a stupid habit like that, but I’d just broken up with my wife, was hanging out with a bunch of smokers who would desert me in the living room to go stand around in a really small porch and smoke cigarettes. I ended up following because it was lonely in the living room with no one there. Eventually I decided that the smoke was so thick on the porch that the only thing that was different between me and the others is that i didn’t have a cig in my hand. So I decided to start sampling people’s cigs. I settled on Camel Turkish Gold. For a long time (months), I never bought any cigs but only bmmed them. It wss funny, for a while i would run after Kaci when she was leaving to get one more cig. My friends did what they could, discouraging me from buying any myself, and for my part I convinced myself that you could only buy Turkish Golds in some special smoke shop. Later that summer, I had an opportunity to visit Utah, having just met Michelle. My friend Isha had to drive to SLC for business, and my life was flexible i could take most of a week off. Partway through Wyoming, I realized that if I was going to have a cigarette, I was going to either have to smoke Menthols or buy my own pack. In that moment I really became a smoker. (i have since described that moment as taking my first degree in smoking, but I may have taken my second degree - smoking by myself - before that) It’s now been 5 years since that spring, and i’ve been on and off smoking since. I’ve “quit” several times for weeks or months, but I have fallen back into it. I seem to be able to stop fairly easily, but I have fallen back into it several times, usually for lame reasons. Current status on this: No cigs since last Sunday. Caffeine is another friend of mine. I’ve been a Mountain Dew addict almost all of my adult life. I started drinking it a lot when i was 17 or so. In the last few years, I have had a habit that could be measured various ways - two 1-liter bottles finished before lunch, various cans afterwards; most recently, my employer provides sodas in the company fridge. Measured in cans, 6-8 cans a day hasn’t been unusual. Considering the calories alone it’s no wonder i’ve been 200#+ for so long. I’ve been working on kicking all these C’s, with varying degrees of success. i could kick smokes, i could kick the speed, sometimes both at the same time, but that last C had always eluded me. Me and the last C go way back. I sterted when i was 17, and realized in the last few days that this particular habit was celebrating a saturn return, since it was winter/spring of 1979 when I first made this lady’s acquaintance. It wasn’t much of a problem, but for the last 17 years we’ve been nearly daily companions. I’ve made various adjustments to my life to make it work for this. The folks I work with are pretty clear that we hang out; no less than the COO of my company has commented on it in indulgent ways, but I’ve had an occasional love/hate relationship with her. I’ve been quitting and reatarting cigarettes several times in the last couple years, but putting the last C to bed was a challenge. For one thing, when we part, i’m not very nice to be around. It’s not a permanent thing, but it lasts for a day or to.. nothing major, no psychotic break, just a bit grumpy. And that resets each time we hang out, so rationing or decreasing in frequency isn’t really a good option. I tried quitting all three of them for Lent a few years ago, that lasted a day or two at best. Two weeks ago, I decided to stop, and performed The Obligatory Futile Gesture. What is TOFG? well, it’s an attempt to prove to myself that alcohol is not one of the three C’s, nor is it a valid sbstitute. But it passes the time for the first couple days so that I can get past the rough spots. Two weeks ago, I did this, just before the easter weekend I stopped. We went to SLC for Easter weekend, so it was easy not to see each other, although I did get a chance to refuse an offer. That felt good, but it was still shaky. Well, after 8 days of that, I made a conscious decision to indulge, at least for one night. Which turned to four days. Enough, I decided i would stop again on Monday. Well, monday night was a little frustrating for me, mostly i was feeling impatient and edgy, and i decided to indulge. ten minutes later wondering to myself what the FUCK was I thinking? Before I went to bed that night, I put everything away in a nice safe place where i wasn’t likely to be looking for it, but i could if i had to. Tuesday night was the night of the Obligatory Futile Gesture: get really drunk, quickly. the futile part is the realization that alcohol really isn’t a substitution, but it can be a good distraction foe a couple nights. My favorite tool for this purpose nowasays is tequila shots. I get drunk really quickly. Tequila shots are ruthlessly effective. Polished off half a bottle of Cuervo 1800 (actualy a fairly decent tequila despite the cuervo name). I sat on the couch, watched tv, and got so drunk I passed out on the couch. That night was rough, i laid awake most of the night, so last night by the time i got home I was really tired, so I slept. The “ob I’m now two days into stopping that last C, and I am hjaving a crisis of identity. I’m realizing that i’ll be meeting a stranger, someone I’m calling”sober Bob” (I’m looking for a better name). I don’t know this person, and I’m not sure I trust him. One effect of my abstinance is that I am more hyperactive. I suspect that I’ve been self-medicating something al these years.. Adult ADHD is one likely outcome that I think i’ve been suppressing. I have heard that many stop taking ritalin and meet my friend, the Lady C#3 and create an acceptable, if not optimal, relationship. Tomorrow is 4/20. I’m going to Boulder to see Kan’Nal, and I have decided to continue my abstinance. It pains me to have to forego such a traditional celebration, but if i’m serious about my lungs clearing up and me not coughing all the time, there’ll be lots and lots of opportunies that I would like to avail myself of. After all, it’s just a little thing, and lots of people can handle this relationship without it taking over their lives. But no, that’s not my reality, so I have to make my peace with sobriety, perhaps. Wish me luck.