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soltahr thing from therapist

Nov 3 2022

THis is an assignment from my therapist. “write about the relationship, starting with positives continue how evoloved including how it ended”

We started as friends who had known each other for a long time. At the drumcircle, you said you were “interested in me” but I was just starting out with what became my disastrous relationship with Joanne. I kept that in my heart though. When I came back to Colorado after leaving her, one of the first things I did was send you a note that said simply “i’m back”

at first the sex was great, we spent a lot of time together because at first I didn’t have a job. I don’t know how it would have worked out if we didn’t get together, but we had a lot of fun.

We moved into the house with your kids and it was great. I worked not too far away at IBM and I made about what it took to live. Not a lot, but it wasn’t minimum wage. Then Donald Trump decided to start a run for the president.

I am a news junkie, and his sudden appearance was newsworthy, and scary to me because I knew that he had a willing office. Leaving Morgan Stanley at IBM at the beginning of November 2016 to work midnights at BT was the beginning of the distance that eventually broke our relationship. I worked midnights, you stayed at home alone and slept alone for a year or two, stressing out over what was happening. Somewhere in there the kids got boyfriends, Adrian became pregnant and Luna was born.

I eventually got the job at Oracle, working days, and making a bit more money. We moved into the newer house because it was getting crowded when you considered Luna starting to move around. We moved, and the Oracle laid me off.

I wasn’t quite in your spiritual practice, and i wasn’t really in my own any more, having broken contact with the folks i’d associated with since about 2001. I guess that became a problem eventually. I appreciated your letting me participate in her rituals, even if it was just cleaning up the yard and setting up the fire pit.

I’ve lost the thread about what happened in between… well when COVID came, our distance had grown to a point where we discussed how it would be cruel to kick someone to the curb in 2020. We continued.

At some point in the last year, you said to me “we aren’t going to make it til death thing”. In retrospect, that should have clued me in to look for a new domestic situation, but I didn’t take it to heart, not really. When you got COVID in January after one of the kids brought it home, I s started to sleep separately in the basement because somehow I didn’t get it.

I suspected at the time this would be the start of something. While she was sleeping alone, she discovered that she had a habit of sleeping all crunched up on the edge of the king sized mattress because she was afraid that my thrashing would hurt her. After the second or third night of her illness, she realized how crunched up she was and how she didn’t need that. When she got better, I continued to sleep in the basement and she eventually replaced the bed with a single bed because she wanted more room. I was basically using the basement as my bedroom - my dresser came downstairs and i eventually got the hammock setup I’ve been sleeping on for almost 6 months.

The real beginning of the end was at the eclipse when I startled you by talking through the window during the lunar eclipse in April.

She has always been kind of jumpy, and I frequently would accidentally startle her by coming into the kitchen and greeting her while she had her head in the fridge, for instance. The morning after the eclipse/startle, she told me “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you any more.”

I still didn’t take the hint.

I had a festival planned in the beginning of June called Untamedfest. I was trying to talk myself out of going, but a week before, you said I had better go, that I “need to figure it out”. Not taking her hint, i thought it was about me finding some… i don’t know, breakthrough in my mental health/depression/whatever is going on with me.

When we broke up, i had just come home from the fest. I brought home falefel to share when I got home, i was that clueless. During the conversation at the table, she said at one point “I don’t care if you have ADHD, you had an abusive girlfriend, etc, you’ve got to go”. She made it like the whole house had had a conversation and collectively decided that I was creepy and I had to go. She had a whole list of things that were signs of my dysfunction. Many things that had been innocent were now miscontsrued. Why did I spend so much time up in Luna’s room? why did it take so long for me to put the rubber case i got for Adrian’s tablet (i must have been installing something) the thing about the Flipper Zero and why you felt a need to take it out of the house more than 5000 feet or something because it supposedly could do radio at that range.

At the end, you asked if i had anything to say. I started, but i stopped. You had made your mind up and in almost 9 years, hearing how you end relationships (people are basically dead to you) I didn’t think that there was much point. She wasn’t going to hear me out in any real way, and i had thingd to do. I started packing and left with what i could that night.