Articles Recipes Blog Events Information Wordpress Projects Feeds Now

further note to laura

I am here to be your friend. I understand that things will be different going forward, and I’m still here for whatever is available.

I realized in the last day or so that I’d invested more than was appropriate in the not-relationship we had. I kind of convinced myself that maybe there was more there or that there could be morer. That’s on me, not you. You’ve been nothing but forthcoming that you don’t view what we have had as a “real” relationship.

I’ve had a sort of list in my mind of things that would lead one to think that we are in a Relationship. It had most of the hallmarks with the exception, perhaps, of the more physical parts. When I read your note to Ryan, some things were clear. The things that you wanted from a relationship with him, the day to day interactions, were the things that I was getting because he wasn’t available. Now that you have Tegan in your life in that role, I don’t expect you’ll be needing me quite as much.

To reiterate, this isn’t on you, it’s on me. I’d like to have a relationship with someone who is available to me. I’d like it to be something that includes the physical component. As it turns out, for much of my last two relationships, they were pretty much sex-less, at least towards the ends of them. I got used to being in a relationship like that, so when we essentially had that, I let myself think that maybe there could be more. Like the relationship with Soltahr, in the end there wasn’t much I could do about the fact that I was a white man, and that she didn’t really have that kind of space for that, especially in the years after 2020 when George Floyd was killed and many people of color got how the score was.

Over the weekend, I had a few conversations in which she came up, and I got the whole “oh, I revere her” and all that. I wanted to say that it would have been nice if someone had said so to her when she needed it but there really wasn’t anything positive to get from that.

With you, there’s nothing I can change about the fact that I’m a man when you’d really rather be with a woman, or that I am older than your father and for many that is kind of weird. I guess it’s not that uncommon in the gay men community, according to Bruce, but still, it’s got pitfalls.

Another thing that was clear to me last night, and in other situations, is that while you and I have been able to talk about just about anything, that just isn’t going to be the case when it’s you and Tegan and I. Oh well.

I guess I just need to find a woman who is actually available to me, and stop thinking that I can alter that to be different than it is.